Restless!

This time in two weeks I’ll be on the plane on the way to Portugal 😀 This is amazing! I can’t believe how close it is!

I feel really restless today.

I weighed my case and it’s at 14kg… maximum is 15kg. So now I’m worrying I won’t have the room. I’m putting shoes into my hand luggage, that’ll get rid of a kg or two.

…. Just tipped a glass of water all over my desk, cue frantic rush to dry electrical products. Grrr. Done!

I’m usually honest in this blog because I want to get my thoughts out somewhere and there’s no point in doing that if I’m going to hold back. Well I do hold back on inappropriate info haha but not my feelings. Except now there’s something happening and I’m not sure where it’s going to go or what’s going to happen and I’m yet to tell anyone so here goes. I wanted to go to Portugal as a single person and not have to worry about anyone so I’ve been determined not to let anyone gain much of an insight into my life and possibly get a connection. I’ve gone wrong. I’ve met someone (I’ll call him A). I’ve been out with him for an afternoon at Bridlington and we had a great time and he knows a hell of a lot about me. Nothing is going to happen though because he’s got a girlfriend. Big issue there. I’ve got strong feelings about anything involving a person who is committed and I am trying really hard. However, I’ve never felt this way about someone who was in a relationship so I made that opinion in ignorance. I spent 3 years barely making any new friends in case anything like that happened and becoming single I could talk to whoever I wanted. Except I want to talk to him. I really don’t know what’s going on. Well, I guess it’s nothing really. I’m still going to Portugal. I’m still going to have an amazing time but yet again I’ll have someone in the back of my mind. This was not meant to happen.

I’m meant to be meeting up with someone on sunday and I told A about it the other day and yesterday he told me ‘you don’t have to do it.’ in reference to Mr. Sunday. He doesn’t like what’s about to happen. I said ‘if you can’t have me no one can?’ and he said ‘yes’…. So now I’m really confused. I’ve gone from doing as I please to now thinking about someone elses feelings again. But he has a girlfriend so I can’t be expected to wait around just in case he decides I’m worth it. Maybe that’s what he’s expecting. He’s confused aswell because he’s not felt it before either and he’s trying to block it out but he can’t. Wow this is weird. It’s nice to connect with someone and feel like you’ve known them forever when just spending a few days talking to them and one afternoon with them. I’ve never wanted to split up a relationship and I didn’t think I was ready to be in a relationship again after being tied down for 3 years. Except now I find myself wondering how his weekend will turn out (he’s visiting his girlfriend who lives 45 miles away) now he’s got me in his head. I find myself wondering what I’ll miss out on when I go to Portugal. I decided not to text him while he’s there. I do want him to have a good time and I don’t want him to be texting me when he should be spending him with her. I wonder how this will turn out. Jeeez. I had a simple life for 2 months following the breakup and then someone else comes along and it begins all over again. Except this one is off limits. I know that and I want to respect that. I just wish I didn’t have to.

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